Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
