My underwear smells like fireworks.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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