I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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