Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
