I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we're making bets on your personal life
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
