I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
