Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
