Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
