I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
