You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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