i think my mom watched the whole time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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