I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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