he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
