NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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