Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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