I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
