I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
