i just wanna soil my oats bro
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
