thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
