This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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