just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
