her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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