someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
