You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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