Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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