can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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