I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize