So drunk its hurt
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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