"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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