I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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