I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
