No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
