you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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