My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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