it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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