I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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