Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
