I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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