Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
