1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
