I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
