Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
