woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
