if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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