conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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