You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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