don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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