Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize