my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
