Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
