you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
