My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
