last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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